It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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