If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
