I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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