I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Floor bacon is actually really good
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
