Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize