so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
