You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
