We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Never underestimate the power of titties
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
