no, he came in my armpit
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
a search helicopter?!
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
