forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
