I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
