I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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