how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
