Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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