I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
