I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
