I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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