Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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