i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I will be naked everywhere
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
