She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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