Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
