So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
did you just send me my own nude
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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