Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize