Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
