wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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