dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
