i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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