I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
