I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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