I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
