At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
