in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
