oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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