The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
