Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm at about main and main street
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
