You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
