This dress was meant to end up on your floor
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
