What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
