Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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