i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize