Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
