so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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