Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
