Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
