Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
