How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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