I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
