I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize