Farmville is her only friend.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
