sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
