Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
