Sry I called you an 8
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
