Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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