i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
