My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Who died my cat blue again?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
