i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
