the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
