A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
