I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
