I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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