I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
