and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
