woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
