between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
