remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
