come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
40s are totally the cure
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
